China’s FAVOURITE crop artist has VOWED it’s ‘PAYBACK TIME’ after laying out his SENSATIONAL INTENTIONS for the New Year in a BRAVE NEW MANIFESTO FOR CHANGE.
Speaking live to his MASSES OF ADORING FANS, Somerset’s LEADING CELEBRITY circle maker delivered a STUNNING SMACKDOWN to anyone who would dare photograph his work without permission:
‘My main aim of 2020 is to bring the truth,’ he started, reaffirming his SOLEMN COMMITMENT to STAND UP FOR LAW AND ORDER.
‘This year you will only see crop circles that are made by teams to be flown by people to continue the mystery.
‘None of my creations will be available to these people.
‘If and when I create my art it will be exclusive.’
This statement beckons a RETURN TO TOP FORM following a DISAPPOINTING CHRISTMAS for the ASIA LOVING SENSATION. Having been SHOCKINGLY OVERLOOKED by the BBC in favour of SATANIC MARXISTS to make a formation for its FAILED Worzel Gummidge FRANCHISE, our CELEBRITY STAR MAN was FORCED BY FAT CAT BBC EXECUTIVES to pay an UNFAIR LICENCE FEE to see the show during the Festive period.
Revived by the subsequent GALAXY JUDDERING EXPOSURE of croppie Jack Jane as a HUGE NAME on the INTERNATIONAL LECTURE CIRCUIT, everyone’s FAVOURITE WURZEL is now set to SEE THROUGH 2020 WITH A BANG!
However, he’s keeping his cards CLOSE TO HIS BARE CHEST.
‘I can’t shout my plans off the roof,’ he explained in an EXCLUSIVE LIVE CHAT with friends.
‘We will see what happens. I can and will take a stand. Things are changing.’
Within the MORALE RAISING NEWS CONFERENCE there was still time to MAKE REPORTERS LAUGH as the World’s Leading Crop Circle ArtistTM dropped a CHEEKY DOUBLE ENTENDRE about his ongoing is-he-isn’t-he relationship with Crop Circle Queen Monique Klinkenbergh:
‘I have a huge backing,’ he chirped with a GLINT IN HIS EYES. ‘And my own photographers.’
Then it was back to WARPLAN 2020. In an UNEXPECTED ABOUT FACE, the Banksy of the fields TURNED HIS BACK on the DECEITFUL EXECUTIVES of the WORLD FAMOUS magazine who had initially given him FAME AND FORTUNE:
‘The latest is that this design [Ackling Dyke, Sixpenny Handley, 2018] … is in National Geographic … promoting the mystery. The US edition edition, worldwide. So, no, I will not be having my artwork connected to something that it’s not.
‘I will not be finished until everyone works in unison to make [circle making] a legal, non bullshit experience.
‘If that means collectively buying a purpose field that’s what will happen.’
As FARMERS JAMMED SWITCHBOARDS across Somerset to offer their fields for free, and JOYOUS CROWDS held street parties to celebrate, ANALYSTS SCURRIED AROUND to dig deeper into the LIKELY IMPLICATIONS of this MOMENTOUS STATEMENT.
‘I don’t see anyone at National Geographic giving this any interest,’ explained VENGEFUL RESEARCHER Jack Jane to YOUR SOARAWAY CROPPIE. ‘I bet he’d still take their money if they were paying.’
‘I think he’s planning to get farmers onside,’ opined RESPECTED COMMENTATOR Miles Challett. ‘He could do this by telling farmers he will make a circle for them. Members of the public will be desperate to pay for entry into one of his originals.
‘Has he asked the National Geographic to withdraw their article given how it associates him with promotion of a mystery? I doubt it.’
The Croppie genuinely and sincerely wishes him good luck for his new venture. It will be refreshing to concentrate on crop circles as opposed to filling these pages with land art hoaxes masquerading as the real thing. Haven’t we been here before though, with the Crop Circle Disconnector?