Which croppies have set the world alight at the end of the first month of the 2020 crop circle season? Let’s look at the two leaders already streaking ahead of the Top of the Croppies pack in a big way.

Matthew Williams

What is Top of the Croppies without Matthew Williams? The reigning champion emerged for the 2020 season over on The Secret Vault YouTube channel in yet another staggering live stream.

The state of him. Really. He promised a live stream from a crop circle he was going to criticise because it wasn’t made by his friends. Maybe it was the ketamine, gap in his teeth, ulcerated mouth, sleep deprivation or the bacteria in his grotty living conditions, but things went to pot as Williams treated his viewers to an increasingly rambling, incoherent and bizarre monologue as he ate veggie burger and chips. We learned he had dental problems (surely not!) and didn’t really want to go to film the crop circle because he wasn’t getting paid and would be burning fuel. Well, he’ll find no sympathy here.

As things progressed the eyes bulged more, the facial expressions became increasingly warped and the self-pity upped. Look at these bruises around the mouth, the scratched legs, the hot head that needed a towel. Then it got even weirder; the fool went and got into his car!

‘Stop Circle Location This Year’ was the incoherent title of the follow-on live stream (above), featuring a topless and increasingly unpredicatable Williams talking nonsense in his car after returning from an apparently aborted trip to circle. Who knows what he was on about as his bulging eyes drifted from phone to road in a desperate attempt to avoid killing other road users. Somehow he made it back although his viewers were clearly upset and annoyed by the nonsensical idiocy they had just witnessed. Just look at some of the comments:

After the event Williams made another self-pitying video in an attempt to explain away his weird behaviour and lost subscriptions. Was it the Special K? No, apparently not, with the finger of blame being pointed at a combination of heat stroke and hypothermia. We believe this because he tells the truth and would never lie to us? Whatever, The Croppie wishes the e-gurning, foul breathed, black and white piano-key-toothed urbexer well.

2019 ended on a high for the ever so ironically named Team Clandestine’s number one man. He got on Chinese television, earned £1,500 and got to fly into East Field aboard a chopper. This year he had even grander plans, looking to keep at the top of the pile by recruiting a new member to his team, Dan, aka Instasnapsnaps. Unfortunately the duo chose to start big and weren’t quite up to the task; their tribute to NHS staff and keyworkers was a slightly off-centre depiction of a heart bearing angel with inequal sized wings and wing tips that tapered to unsymmetrical angles. All the subsequent self-produced video displayed was a carefully selected shot at the most favourable angle, together with detail on its component parts. No matter how much it was self-publicised by Dene as himself, Team Clandestine or his alter-egos Ultra Visitation and Richard Pitman, the work never picked up any real traction. Hardly surprising given it had zero mystery attached. The national press even chose to ignore the angel in favour of running stories on the ‘virus splat’ formation rumoured to be situated near Devizes, Wiltshire. Oh. That probably hurt.

Then it got worse. Some naughty aliens came and wacked a circle down near somewhere called Deanland in Dorset, the heartland of Team Clandestine. Then we saw those alter-egos set to criticising the new formation and revealing the locations of all the recent circles (except his own) against the wishes of the farmers involved. Amusingly, this empowered a rival drone operator to film and supply images of these very same circles to Dene’s least favourite photographer, Steve Alexander. That worked well then. Still, at least #TeamDene have been out to defend him on Facebook over issues of whether the ‘angel’ was the first crop circle of the 2020s. Good for them.