Enzo’s Alien Adventure
Croppie Enzo Brabazon has had quite an eventful few days. Last Saturday he parked his car up somewhere in the Swindon area and embarked upon a field watch up on Hackpen Hill, apparently willing the aliens to perform for him. Whilst up there he claimed to have seen lights in the sky forming a crop circle in fields directly adjacent to the village of Broad Hinton. There was only one problem … a sweep of the area by The Croppie during the subsequent afternoon revealed nothing in the way of a circle.
It was on Monday that things started to become a bit odd and garbled. As news of 2021’s first domestic crop circle spread, Enzo’s story began to change. He’d actually spent the night fourteen miles away at Stanton St Bernard, the location of the new formation, and had helped humanoid aliens lay down the circle.
That wasn’t the end of it. On Tuesday Enzo recalled more details as to how he and his car had been abducted by aliens on the M4 motorway in Wiltshire. Having refitted his car with a hovering device the ETs declared Enzo to be ‘special’ and allowed him to design and help create the Stanton St Bernard circle. In return, those impish extraterrestrials kept hold of Brabazon’s shoes! Sadly, Enzo can’t consistently recall what was in the field with him…but we know it was either balls of light or aliens with glowing heads.
The encounter seems to have further scrambled Enzo’s mind. He now had no idea what had happened to his shoes or his car. (The Croppie can only assume the Fiat rose up of its own will and relocated to escape its master.) Nonetheless, Brabazon made it to Stanton St Bernard and was apparently turfed out of the circle by an angry farmer. Rather than hobble away, it seems Enzo eagerly told the farmer he’d made the circle. The police were called. Our hero was given a dressing-down, but the constables were happy enough to log his transport woes.
Somehow, and only God really knows how or why, Enzo and his bleeding feet made a thirteen mile journey to Axford near Marlborough. With no way of getting home he found his way into a barn owned by Ramsbury Estates and endured a cold night alone. Fortunately he was discovered the following morning by a benevolent farmer who kindly took Enzo to the nearest train station. Later, Swindon police contacted Brabazon to tell him they were in possession of his car keys and had located the vehicle. After a short train journey Enzo picked up the keys and returned to find his car exactly where he’d parked it earlier. Eh? Had the aliens played hide and seek with the vehicle? Had Enzo had a strange turn or did he even leave his own home whilst writing this stuff? The Croppie needs to know the facts!
You really have to wonder what happened to poor hot-headed Hamish Jacobs to make him such a bitter old soul. If it wasn’t amusing enough to see him suggest one specific croppie is paedophile he followed it up on Facebook with a remarkable rant following the appearance of the Stanton St Bernard circle.
In just a handful of sentences he went after more than five croppies and spewed out some of his favourite lines: ‘Con artist…in on the deal…same old gang of fraudsters…ongoing hoax…money-making, public deception…fantasies about Pu[c]k, and the Trickster…cheap, and nasty, rip-off merchants, and charlatans, duping the public, and committing a decades long ruse.’
Despite exerting himself and raising his own heart rate sevenfold, Hamish’s post received exactly zero likes. Does he really want to be the first man outside of Dorset to have a crop circle related coronary when a little less than one person is listening?
But cheer up, chum. The void is a lonely place and The Croppie has done you a huge favour giving you some attention here. The invoice is in the post.