Croppies around the world are shaking with fear after it emerged their psychic spiritual leader has received threats to his life.
Enzo ‘Blabberzon’ Brabazon is still reeling after being told by a ‘close confidant’ that his wellbeing is in mortal danger. The brave teacher, adult entertainer and circle maker has already claimed the first two crop circles of the season, though he believes the mess at Silbury Hill was caused by sinister forces who damaged his work as soon as he left the field.
Despite the prospect of a knife in his back, tampered car brakes, a stray bullet, murderous home intruder or an old fashioned disappearance, Brabazon remains defiant:
‘I am Enzo,’ he bleated on Facebook, ‘I have already died countless times before including twice in this very lifetime. Your threats don’t scare me.’
Brabazon was approached by The Croppie for evidence of his shocking claims but has so far refused to out those responsible. Instead, he issued a brief statement:
‘I’m not going to personally name my source not information, the details were pretty harrowing and easily cross-identifiable so shall not be fleshing out this one too much.’
Who Has Threatened Enzo?
Whilst everyone in croppiedom reflects upon the chilling news that nobody is safe to enjoy the circles anymore, The Croppie has approached Brabazon’s mother and other sources close to him. None were willing to talk.
The Croppie instead turned to croppie politics expert Geoff to weigh up the motives of the most likely suspects.
Angry Farmers
Brabazon has already admitted to making two circles in Wiltshire and has plastered his telephone number all over Facebook. Is it beyond reasonable belief that annoyed farmers would draw a line in the sand with the brazen hoaxer? ‘It’s not out of the question,’ said Geoff. ‘We’ve all seen how angry some farmers get when they find a crop circle even without a pillock going on about what he’s made. I would not be surprised if some of the farmers are taking matters into their own hands to deter Enzo. If they are serious then Enzo had best be careful around farm machinery or hay bales. I can see him getting crushed.’
Gary King
Researcher Gary King has relocated to Mexico where he passes his time taking photos of bikini models, but that doesn’t take him out of the reckoning. Geoff says ‘We’ve seen Gary King get narky with a circle maker when he kicked Matthew Williams in the balls. Threats aren’t Gary’s style though and I’d expect any retribution against Enzo to be swift and spontaneous. I’m limbering up to give Enzo a slap, myself.’
Men In Black
Brabazon was recently abducted by extraterrestrials on his way to Wiltshire and subsequently laid down two crop circles with their help. Numerous other abductees, contactees and UFO witnesses have been intimidated into silence by the Men In Black; menacing, eerie figures who may be supernatural in origin themselves. ‘The problem with MIBs,’ opined Geoff, ‘is that they are all talk and never act out their threats. Enzo can rest easy if the MIBs are involved.’
Nick Bull
Photographer Nick Bull and Brabazon have been at loggerheads since the psychic classroom teacher’s stunningly quick rise to fame. Could Bull have tired of Enzo’s stroppiness and lashed out in anger? ‘That really won’t have happened,’ explained Geoff. ‘Nick sees Enzo as a bit of a tit. I can see a reversing of the scenario though. Enzo can’t stand Bull. If either of that pair are going to be waving knives around it’s not going to be Bully. Knowing Enzo he’ll be waving a plank around and Nick will be covering his head with his hands.’
Enzo Brabazon
Could Enzo have made up this entire threat tale? ‘Of course,’ said Geoff. ‘It suits Blabberzon to be a victim. He wants people to believe he’s hard done by. He’s doing that because he wants people to forgive him for his shitty circle at Silbury Hill. He wants to be famous and what better way than for Enzo to put himself at the centre of a sob story. I’m pretty certain Enzo’s been talking nonsense all along.’ The Croppie agrees.
Metatron calling Mork. Come in Mork.
We are satisfied our cube went down better this time. Very little wonk on this occazion. Much better use of the equipment all around the round and a lot less alcohol and google maps shennanegans. Seriously, you have to know your barley from your early wheat or you are in a wold of hurt. Some folks don’t do the prep during daylight hours. Agent Enzo performed admirably, especially on that tricky glyph. I felt like I earned that deep puff of SQZD Grape & Pineapple with the boys. It took away my ankle ache in no time.
Metatron out. Prepare for next stage of Orbification. Shalom!